TV Survivalists

Note: Apologies for no post yesterday, I try to post at least every weekday but Thursdays can be tricky. 

WTF? Seriously, WTF?

I don't understand TV survivalists. I mean, for me the whole thing boils down to, why? Sure I get that they claim to be educational and striving to teach viewers how to survive in extreme situations yadda yadda yadda. But seriously now, what are the odds that any of us are going to be stranded on top of a mountain in Arizona? Or stuck in BFE nowhere on the Olympic Peninsula? I mean, it's technically possible and there are probably stories out there about some stranded motorist that learned how to drink mud water strained through a sweaty sock to survive but in general it would feel a lot less wanky/douchey/pretentious if they just dropped the education schtick and admitted they were only doing it because we are guaranteed to tune in just in case one of them keels over,encounters a savage and venomous creature, or fails utterly and has to be rescued (like the producers would ever film that). We're the spectators at the coliseum. 

Which I'm totally cool with. Plus it gives my lazy ass something to snicker at. Bear Grylls (above, clearly) is a crazy Britisher (I'm honestly unsure of where he's from, his accent is so neutral to my ear that he could be any flavor of British) I think he has some kind of military background and is inarguable a fit dude. I don't really mind him much. Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's because he drinks his own pee, or maybe it's because he never complains. 

But these two on the other hand make me crazy with annoyed wrath of doom. Seriously. 'Dual Survival' should be renamed Dueling Douchebags. These guys probably aren't too bad on their own but the cunning ploy of getting a spiritual southwestern hippy and a northeastern pseudo-redneck together and chucking them into a situation that's highly stressful (as far as we can tell, I'm still not convinced there isn't a dude off camera with a box of twinkies and a case of bud) and then watching their escapades is transparent and irritating from the get go. Add in that they spend at least a quarter of any given episode bitching about each other (with maybe ten percent of it ass kissing the other dude with blatant compliments) and it just devolves into tedium. Some episodes are less irritating than others but in general I tend to skip them. Hippy guy goes barefoot ALL THE TIME, snow? No worries, scorching sand? Meh. Pointy rocks? HA! Soggy wet Pacific Northwest Rainforest? Cripples him. Apparently his manly feet of rock impervious-ness are unable to conquer the pervasive sogginess of our land, instead the juicy goodness of primeval woods softened his feet to hyper sensitivity. Ha ha.  Ahem, I mean, how unfortunate.Generally by the end of the show - which lasts roughly 48 hours or until they find 'help' - they've stopped bickering and are best buds again and usually deliver some weak moral or observation on the experience and zark off to wherever they lurk when they aren't clogging TVs with contrived mediocrity.

I don't understand the point of these shows, unless they're meant to be the 21st century replacement for those nature documentaries I lived on as a kid. In which case? Fuck you. I'd rather listen to some soft spoken upper class Brit babble about antelopes for forty-five minutes than watch a grown man drink his own urine or listen to Discovery channel's answer to the odd couple piss and moan and then make up and wander off into the sunset BFFs 4 lyfe.

I hate you TV producers and dread the next impossibly trite train wreck of a concept you're going to vomit on us. Please, please return to scripted television and documentaries. Please?

As always thanks for reading and feel free to comment below, remember you don't have to agree but you do need to think :D

- Ash