Fitness or 6 Ways to Stick it to Modern Body Image 'Ideals'

Note: After a week of fun fluffy posts I thought I'd do one on a more serious and personal note. While it's admirable that our society 'seems' to be focusing more on health than 'beauty' there's a perfect storm of suck being created by making atypical body type people feel guilty and shameful for their image as though they've broken some moral code, combined with our impossible physical ideals perpetuated by media. This creates a system of thinking that is astonishingly destructive and in some cases fatal. I for one am tired of watching our youth and each other tear themselves apart because its easier for us to declare each other immoral, lazy, ugly people than admit that we're passing the buck and blaming each other for a system we're all participating in. 

Fitness is defined as:

–noun

1. health.

2. capability of the body of distributing inhaled oxygen to muscle tissue during increased physical effort.

3.Also called Darwinian fitness. Biology .

a.the genetic contribution of an individual to the next generation's gene pool relative to the average for the population, usually measured by the number of offspring or close kin that survive to reproductive age.

b.the ability of a population to maintain or increase its numbers in succeeding generations.

We, as a society, are obsessed with impossible body ideals. We buy products advertised by bony waifs (male and female) that are further photo shopped to enhance their impossible 'beautiful' figures. We obsess over perfect skin, perfect figures, perfect hair, perfect blah blah blah.

Here's the deal, perfect? Doesn't exist. Period. Perfection is an impossible ideal. Ignoring the inherent problems with attempting to define universal attributes of beauty (you can shove your golden mean up your ass) perfection doesn't exist in the natural world. Symmetry and other descriptors that we assume = perfection might but perfection doesn't, it never will. Entropy and the nature of existence defy it. So why the hell are we so obsessed with achieving artificial standards that will literally kill us?

We're bombarded with advertising and the like that demands we seek these ideals or face an unfulfilled, empty, failure of a life alone with no lifemate/friend/companion/partner/spouse because we have failed. It's also important to note that while this seems to be an issue most frequently addressed as impacting women negatively the false ideals and standards set up for men are just as damaging. We're all running around trying to be impossible. It's killing us and poisoning our youth.

This will never be me short of surgery or a fortune in time & money. Guess what? I don't give a damn.

So what's the point of this? Why am I re-stating an issue that most of us should have, at the very least, a passing familiarity with? Because I want to offer my own perspective and definition of fitness. It's an alternative to the agonizing, self loathing inducing, hateful, futile cycle we're all stuck on. And, I admit I still struggle with these fake ideals myself. Every time I see a commercial where some food, beauty, personal, or other product is equated with personal fulfillment or being a 'true' woman I go through this:

1. Oh jeez that's so stupid and not true

2. Huh I wonder if that product is actually useful?

3. Maybe it will be the magic wand that will make me smart/beautiful/sexy/thin/good enough

4. I hate advertising, this is bullshit.

5. *continues to vaguely wonder*

Partly to avoid this I don't watch broadcast TV much (it's also because I keep weirdo hours and can usually catch shows online or via netflix etc), I try to avoid media that caters to that kind of thinking like 'women's' magazines, etc. Although I do get a complimentary subscription to 'Fitness' magazine thanks to my gym membership I rarely read it as it tends to be chock full of the exact kind of advertisements I'm trying to avoid. I also get Whole Living and Yoga both of which veer toward expensive specialty food and product advertising more than yay eating disorder thin women! But, again, I try not to focus on the impossible ideals put forward by many advertisers. Still, when I do think of them I go through the above process largely because I've spent twenty-some years going through it. In spite of strong independent healthy women in my life who scoffed at such ideals as I was growing up and encouraged me to be me, the hooks and claws of impossible ideals still found their mark.

It is impossible to avoid these false standards and the self-loathing cycle that goes with them altogether, thus while working to break the cycle of thinking I outlined above, I've also decided to redefine fitness for myself. I am ignoring the pop culture definitions of it and focusing on the dictionary. 

Image is secondary to health. I go to the gym because I feel better mentally and physically when I do. I like the feeling of satisfaction I get when I add a half mile to my cardio and don't feel like a gasping beached fish a the end. I like the satisfaction of adding weight to a rep, or squeezing out one more rep. I like how my body feels and reacts to increased activity, increased stamina, energy, better sleep, and knowing that I can keep going and achieving more.  

So back to fitness in the Darwinian sense. If I am physically healthy because I want to be and feel better that way then all the joyful aspects of that will filter into my being a more successful person. The ripple effect of which will in turn (ideally) improve the rest of my life and that of those around me, even if only in minute ways. 

In the end, there is no magic pill, makeup, clothing, or other product to make me a perfect me. There's just me living my life the best I can. To that end, these are my 'fitness' rules:

1. Ignore the scale.

I weigh myself once a month if that. And that's more out of curiosity than any kind of goal progress check. I refuse to set a 'goal' based on weight. My goal is to feel stronger and increase my stamina. Period.

2. Always incorporate weights into your routine.

 

One of the major misconceptions about women's fitness is that we'll hurt ourselves or become valkyries if we lift weights. That's utterly false, women are no more prone to injury than men. Use weights, ask a trainer or more experienced person to teach you, start with low weights until you're confident then add weight, use a spotter if you're going to push your limits. But LIFT WEIGHTS. You'll gain strength and toning that can prevent injury and get through your day with more energy, not to mention that lifting weights has been proven to prevent or limit osteoporosis. As far as turning into a valkyrie that's super unlikely, due to how we're built it takes a lot of deliberate work to earn that physique and if you notice you're bulking too much in a specific area you can easily modify your routine or ask for advice. Finally weights are fun. Unlike cardio workouts weight lifting is one of the areas where you can see definite progress not linked to a scale or the mirror. You'll get a major rush when you add another 2 or 5 lbs or do that extra rep that can't be beaten.

3. Ignore self deprecating/insulting language.

If you have a friend that always turns conversations into 'I'm so fat' etc CALL THEM ON IT. Self affirmations are powerful and someone constantly telling themselves that they're fat or using negative self descriptors is seriously hurting themselves. Gently point it out, explain that it's only hurting your friend and you, and if they continue to do it in future shut them down firmly. It's not good for them and it's not good for you. If they're fishing for compliments then compliment them on something that doesn't relate to their weight but rather an achievement or some other non-image aspect.

4. Stop purchasing and consuming media that makes you feel bad.

Stop getting issues of MS, Vanity Fair, US, etc that spend more time babbling about celebrities and amazing breakthroughs in makeup etc than teaching you how to be a fulfilled and positive person . A lot of it is PR, advertising and out right lies none of which you need. Start recording shows and skipping advertisements or just go to netflix or other online resources for your programming. Think of the money you can save on $8 magazines that tell you that you're not happy because you weigh more than a stick. If you want information on product reviews etc then seek out blogs or independent reviews. Most media sources have an agenda and a goal i.e. get you to buy their advertiser's products and keep seeking them out for your information needs. Support the outlets and sources that don't treat you like mindless meat. 

5. Use your common sense and fact check claims.

There is no magic pill, food, diet, herb, tea, colon cleanse, spiritual experience, fruit juice, rare plant, mantra etc that will turn you into a supermodel overnight. Nothing can turn %99.99999 of us into supermodels, ever. Instead, go online and research recommendations for diet and exercise. Ask your doctor or log onto WebMD or similar sites and make sure you aren't being fed a line of B.S. that could endanger your health.

6. Love yourself.

Nothing and no one can love or respect you unless you do so first. If you struggle with self esteem, depression, happiness, or satisfaction ask for help. See your physician or if you lack funds do a search for a free clinic in your area. There are even organizations that provide grants for low income men and women to receive health care including mental health care. You may be struggling with these feelings due to a physiological cause (I've struggled with depression etc linked to hypothyroidism for one), or maybe you've endured some terrible experiences in your life and are ready to address them with the help of a competent professional counselor, or maybe you just need an unbiased attentive person to listen to you and not brush your concerns or feelings aside. 

There is no shame in asking for someone to help you find the light again. This doesn't make you weak, shallow, desperate, or shameful, it makes you wise and strong. We cannot get through this world alone and reaching out to another person is the bravest thing some of us will ever do. Realize you're a valuable person and don't rely on the outside world to tell you that. Odds are it's as mind fucked as the rest of us and too busy worrying about itself to provide that service.  If you want to improve your health via diet and exercise make sure you're doing it because you want to and not because a magazine or a friend tells you it will make you happy. It might, but if you're doing it expecting it to be a magic wand to sort out your life or make you happy with yourself, you will not succeed. 

Good luck and happy living! As always thanks for reading and feel free to comment below.

Note: These are three great sites recommended to me:

1. Beginner's Health and Fitness Guide don't let the lack of images and basic layout fool you. This is an excellent starting point for anyone interested in furthering their fitness goals or starting from scratch at any age.
2. Snake Oil? Recommended by the above  site this is a great source for sanity checking supplement and vitamin claims.
3. Stumptuous.com Again recommended by the first site this is a great site focusing on realistic female fitness and weight lifting.  

#8 The Burning Zone (1996 - 1997)

Note: I really was going to just do 7 shows, but, I ran across a bootleg of this show at Emerald City Comicon - well presumably it was a bootleg as I'll discuss below - and out of a sense of nostalgia and procrastination I added this one, enjoy! Regular bloggage shall resume on Tuesday!

Ridiculous doesn't quite do the premise of this show justice. Apparently it premiered about a year after the film Outbreak. I mention this because the success of Outbreak is the only thing I can think of to explain why the hell this show was even greenlit. Now, don't get me wrong, there are worse shows out there but The Burning Zone is just very meh. The only reason I even bothered to hunt for it is because the first 11 episodes star Jeffrey Dean Morgan. And, as we all know, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is sex on legs (even with that dumbass mide-90s Caesar haircut).

Clooney and JDM so hot, the Ceasar cut looks good

The premise of the show is that JDM's character, Dr. Edward Marcase, is the lone gunslinger of level 4 pathogens. He survived Ebola as a child (although it killed his parents) and is a genius in his field. He's also an arrogant douche but he's hot and has a nice car so we don't mind too much.

The first episode introduces us to what I suspect was intended to be the Big Bad of the series. This is an intelligent virus. It takes over a human host, pumps their temp to 108, turns the whites of their eyes blood red and generally wreaks havoc but doesn't kill. It claims it is the last surviving hive of a viral mind that once controlled all other viruses and used humans as a preferred host. An unnamed cataclysm sent the intelligent virus into hiding 15,000 years ago.  Marcase figures out that the cataclysm had to have been the biblical flood and finds a bacterial agent in sea water that can kill the intelligent virus. Day saved.

Later episodes hint that it was also going for a sort of X-Files government conspiracy vibe via sleight of hand and such within the organization. Blah. It could also be argued/interpreted that the groups' work is kept secret because there are an increasing number of pathogens indicating that the intelligent virus has survived to some degree blah blah blah. The show was axed at 19 episodes so we'll all likely die never knowing. 

Marcase's team is comprised of Dr. Kimberly Shiroma (played by Tamlyn Tomita - who, according to IMDB.com's trivia on TBZ chose TBZ over Babylon 5 - as the pilots were shot at similar times - that's gotta hurt), Agent Michael Haley (played by James Black) and Dr. Daniel Cassian (played by Michael Harris) although he doesn't show up until the second episode and they use some wibbly hand waving to excuse the absence of their 'boss' from the previous ep.

Shiroma and Marcase are actively hostile at first, Shiroma because she blames Marcase for the death of her fiance via Ebola and Marcase 'cause he's an arrogant dickwad. Cassian is basically annoying and stands somewhere between the team and the party line, though his motives and true stance are wishy washy. Marcase and Haley are also snarly 'cause Marcase resents having an agent around as he doesn't need a hired gun blah blah. Seriously this show is so robotic it's painful. It isn't bad enough to mock MST3K style, it's just generally bad. Although the credits are super amusing. Lots of dramatic head on shots and glaring artfully at the camera.

Hi, I'll be your woefully inadequate JDM replacement!

For no adequately explained reason the character of Marcase is replaced by the character of Dr. Brian Taft (played by Bradford Tatum) for the last 8 episodes. I believe IIRC Shiroma is also axed at the same time. There may be a line or so of dialogue in the twelfth episode to 'explain' where they went (back to their agents for a good screaming session is my best guess).

The show limps along for those 11 episodes well enough for what it is. It will never be a classic by any means but it is amusing to see younger JDM and also giggle at the ridiculousness of the show in general. Some of the leaps they take with logic and medicine are disturbing - in that they apparently assumed we'd fall for them - and the performances in general aren't bad. The only other notable thing is that it feels/sounds like they got the sound design team from Forever Knight to do this show too. Can't say that was a good idea really.

Anyway, it's not too awful and the first 11 episodes are certainly watchable and fairly enjoyable if you like some canned cheese with your entertainment. Again JDM and the core cast are decent but it's a very passable show. It is interesting that its never been released on DVD and is unavailable on youtube (a little bird told me attempting to upload episodes results in an angry notice of copyright violation) as so many things are.

I did manage to find this teaser trailer on youtube though (remember you were warned):

 

Availability:

Netflix: NO

Hulu: NO

Amazon:   NO

Suggested - Ebay!  (presumably if you're reading this blog you're web savvy enough to have a good idea of just where you *could* find it but as it's still being puppy-guarded on youtube I'm not going to endorse, link, or recommend any sites).

#7 American Gothic (1995 - 1996)

Notes: Since this is the last of these posts I thought I'd make a note as to order and why I chose these shows. First off there are other shows I like more that aren't on the list like Firefly and Farscape and a few others but I just felt like doing these shows, also they aren't addressed in any order of preference. In fact, some (like Forever Knight and some episodes/seasons of Highlander) are, at very best, barely tolerable guilty pleasures. :) 

 I like this show for a few reasons, one, I don't think it had a chance to find it's footing but was well on its way to being an early sorta X-Files and not at all boring, two, it's the demonic in the deep south WIN, three, it does a decent job of driving home the point that not every freaking person with a southern accent is a racist or an idiot, and four it's just plain fun.

The plot revolves around a young boy whose father murders his sister in a fit of rage and is then killed by the local sheriff. Except that the Sheriff is so not what he seems and has his fingers in all aspects of the town's going ons. The boy is taken in by a distant relative that recently moved back to town thwarting the sheriff's plans to raise the boy as his own. The boy's allies are his guardian and the local ER doc. Of course things get nuts and the true dark nature of his lordship the sheriff is revealed along with his somewhat nefarious and oddly benevolent interest in the boy.

 This show was not given a fair shot, much like the way Fox mishandled and bungled Firefly American Gothic was similarly abused via airing episodes out of order and truncating the season once it's cancellation was announced. It's possible to get the full series on DVD but apparently Universal jacked up the episode order and went with the broadcast order rather than the actual order. 

Unlike some of the other shows I've been babbling about this week AG actually stands up to the passage of time reasonably well. Unlike the Pretender it isn't a tech heavy show so the lack of advancement there doesn't automatically date and deaden it. The acting isn't over the top or highly dramatic nor are the musical, lighting etc choices like in Forever Knight. It's solid and while some of the effects are pretty awkward by today's standards the feel and drive of the show is held up and maintained by the performances and the writing more than any effects so even there the impact of time is minimal.

All in all this is a fun little gem and a nice way to while away a weekend. Maybe in midwinter just after Halloween with something warm and alcoholic at home.





Netflix - Yes, disc only

Hulu - Yes

Amazon - Yes clickable pic below

#6 John Doe (2002)

This show was great, very clever and enjoyed an excellent cast. Much like the Pretender it ends on an unresolved cliffhanger (this is a real gut punch cliffhanger though, whereas the Pretender is more of a tease) but unlike the Pretender the creators published the big reveal in an Entertainment Weekly article and it made its way onto wikipedia warning there are spoilers for said cliffhanger.

Meet John Doe! And look! Hair!

The show opens with a naked shivering man waking up on an island, our John Doe (played by a pre-Prison Break Dominic Purcell). The man falls off a cliff into a bay and is rescued by a fishing vessel. He only sees in black and white and seems to know literally everything except who he is. He then embarks on a mission to find that out. He uses his brains to win a small fortune betting on horses and then invests it and finds himself with more than enough money to live on.

He reports himself missing and ends up assisting the local police department as a consultant.He works cases and generally behaves in an extremely useful manner. Meanwhile a creepy guy that is evidently deaf as we largely only see him communicate via written word and sign language is lurking about. At one point he thinks he's found his family but it's revealed that it was part of an elaborate plot by a shady organization to derail his search. Occasionally he sees random things in color and at one point entirely loses his amazing cache of knowledge - while gaining the ability to see in color - but doesn't remember his identity.

As stated the show ends on a cliffhanger that's pretty well done so I won't spoil it. The cast was great, it included:

He had hairs in Equilibrium too!

William Forsythe as 'Digger' the owner/operator of a bar where John occasionally plays piano, goes to think, and generally hangs out at. Digger briefly employs Karen (Sprague Grayden) and it is Digger's bar where Karen and John first meet. Karen is a street smart kid with a big heart, she's survived the system and latches on to John as his personal assistant. She, Digger, Detectives Jamie Avery (Jayne Brook) and Frank Hayes (John Marshall Jones) become John's de facto family.

The show is largely driven by John's voice overs and observations about the world he finds himself strangely in and out of. While he has an impossible array of knowledge at his fingertips his people sense and knowledge of himself is spotty at best. Karen serves as an emotional anchor and guide, Digger is a source of wisdom and balance, and Hayes and Avery teach John about the vagaries of the world. It's a good solid dynamic.

I'm not sure why the show was canceled, I don't remember seeing it on TV or any advertisements for it, which may mean it wasn't advertised effectively and/or my memory is just being a selective little bitch. I think a friend recommended the show to me a few years ago or I stumbled onto it in reruns. Either way it's a near and dear favorite. If anyone does know why this gem was axed I'd be curious to know.


Availability:


Amazon - No, as far as I know there's never been an official release of the show on any format. That said there's no harm in hitting amazon and requesting to be notified when/if it is released. Who knows, it could still happen.


Netflix - No


Hulu - YES

#5 Prison Break (Through Season 2 Only / 2002 - 2006)

Pretty tats! Pretty fucking useful!

This show is a singlehanded instruction guide on how to build and maintain intense ridiculous tension for two seasons. I admit I only watched up to the end of season 2 and a lil bit of 3 before it was abundantly clear that everything past the end of season 2 was a cash in. I mean really now, wtf were they thinking? Aside from clearly PAYDAY, which, okay, fair enough but I'm not watching it. I really wish more U.S. stations and such had the balls to just cut their shows off when they're still good. Brits do it all the time, they'll even air a show and then end the series and BRING IT BACK years later. There's a thought gang. Sometimes an idea or a concept has run its course and prolonging it to rake in advertising dollars does no one any favors. Just sayin'.

In brief the premise of the show is that Michael Scofield's (Wentworth Miller) brother Lincoln Burrows (a shaved bald Dominic Purcell) has been framed for the murder of the United State's Vice President's brother. Michael realizes he's wronged his brother for years and written him off for no good reason. He then, quite logically/insanely, has himself arrested for armed bank robbery and sent to the same prison. Michael does this 'cause he's ridiculously brilliant and psychologically flawed and has created an elaborate escape plan to get his brother off of death row and out of prison before it's too late.

Scary Linc is ...sexy...

The tension of the show is clearly centered around Michael's desperate bid to get Linc out of hock before he's murdered by the state. Dominic Purcell's performance as Linc is key to this. He is tortured by his past, what his incarceration has done to his son, and of course his impending death. Without Purcell's skillful performance a lot of the believablility and tension in the show would have evaporated. Kudos for that.

Michael is equally key, he's the POV character for the audience. An intelligent guy that once worked as an architect he has to negotiate the foreign waters of prison. He's further hampered by a psychological condition which prevents him from being a selfish cold-hearted bastard aka someone that can survive prison. A conceit that works nicely to add justification for some stupid shit Michael pulls to help out other prisoners at the potential cost of his brother's life.

 There are various scaly and hideous inmates he has to do business with in order to effect his escape but one of the skeeviest is a prison guard Brad Bellick who causes no end of suffering for the brothers. Crises occur, alliances are made and broken, tragedy and a bit of comedy run rampant and so on.

The show is great, it's a lot of fun but come the end of the second season my brain checks out. About five minutes before the end of the last episode Michael pulls a move that makes me want to stab random strangers with plastic sporks. Everything following I wash my hands of, however, the first two seasons are great and loads of fun.


Availability:

Netflix - Yes, instant and disc, Seasons 1 - 4 are available as well as 'the final break' which is apparently two hours missing from the series finale, according to amazon reviews there were 'creative difficulties' around the finale. As noted above I stopped paying attention after the stupid shit they pulled for season 3 so I have no idea if the final break is worthwhile viewing.


Hulu - Yes, all four seasons no mention of the final break.


Amazon - Yes for both, clickable pics below 

#4 Macgyver (1985 -1992)

Yes, I was like two or three when this show first aired, deal with it. I do have a vague memory of  being annoyed with Monday Night Football for screwing up my Macgyver watching, I think the game came on right after the show. Heh. I still don't like football that much.

Anyway, back to the point. If you haven't heard of Macgyver before then IDK what I can do for you. Macgyver is more American than apple pie and baseball, because while we argue about who actually invented baseball and apple pie it's clear that the only thing that could create the amazingly ridiculous yet awesomely superb Macgyver is the American entertainment industry of the mid 80s. Equal parts commie bashing, barely PC machismo, and barely possible in this universe with a healthy dose of huh scientific 'theory' Macgyver is a unique and wonderful amorphous thing that will never be repeated or equaled in our life times.

In brief, Mac is an ingenious little bugger,  he can basically do anything with random junk he finds lying around. One of the interesting aspects of the character is that he abhors guns, however, in the pilot he actually shoots an AK toward some enemy soldiers, there are some other things that are weirdly different from the rest of the series as well.

MURDOC!

His arch nemesis is a supposed master of disguise/assassin known as Murdoch. They clash frequently and in an apparently inadvertent homage to slasher films of the same era Murdoc usually 'dies' and pops up again in a later episode/season.

And, lest I forget, one of Terri Hatcher's first roles was as the incredibly spunky (think stab with a fork and leave in the sun she's so irritatingly spunky) Penny Parker. She's part damsel in distress part pseudo wanna be heroine. She gets Mac into scrapes then makes him feel bad for not valuing her as a woman. What can I say? The 80s were a confusing time for female role models. Or something.

He's thinking of ways to kill her & get away with it. Scientifically

Another key (annoying) character is Jack Dalton played by Bruce McGill, Jack is Mac's best buddy/dreamer/fuck up/con man. When he's not getting Mac dragged into nefarious schemes, shot at, locked up etc he's blaming him for ruining his dreams via saving his life that one time. Seriously. Not making this up

Mac's boss can't go unmentioned either. Pete Thornton is a long time friend of Mac's. He is a higher up in the weird pseudo-government kinda think tanky thing that employs Mac. The actor that played Pete, Dana Elcar started to go blind due to glaucoma during the show run. His condition was written into the show and incorporated into a separate arc. He passed away in '05. Interestingly his body double on the show was Don S. Davis who later went on to play Richard Dean Anderson's character's superior on Stargate: SG-1. (Davis passed away in '08).  Pete and Mac have a strong friendship that occasionally veers toward father/son but never quite makes it.

If Mac stops smiling Pete will snap his neck SO FAST

Mac's only family for the majority of the series is his Grandfather. They have a cantankerous but loving relationship. The series introduces Mac's heretofore uknown son toward the end of its run which serves as the reason for Mac leaving the Phoenix Foundation and the show ending.

There are two made for TV movies and recently there's been talk of a new movie being made. However it could be that those rumors were referring to the recently released MacGruber movie (based on an SNL character that mocked the very mockable show).

There is as much to love about this wackadoo gem as there is to snicker at. Mac's manly mullet,  the un-P.C. way certain things are addressed, the amazing theatrics of the opening gambit for most episodes, the strangely foreign (to me and anyone else born in the waning days of the cold war or after) interplay of the evil commies vs the noble yanks, and how about an EXPLODING freaking title card? It's dated, anachronistic, cheesy as fuck in places but goddamnit it's Mac-fucking-gyver!

For an example of cheese, how about the two part episode where Mac is hit in the head and transported back in time to, get this, Arthurian England where he teams up with freaking MERLIN!? IIRC he ends up saving Arthur's ass and his own ancestor, y'hear that? Macgyver mocks the laws of space time and King Arthur needed HIS help! Ha ha so awesome, I triple dare any prime time show nowadays to try to pull some crazy shit like that.

Take me to your whiny King so I can save history weird beard.

Or how about the time Mac singlehandedly invades a hyper secure installation to test it's security, gets to the core, is told to do it again without using a vehicle to get in then has to break out (with a beautiful lady scientist in tow) in order to foil evil? Bad ass motherfucker was coined with the likes of Macgyver in mind.


Macgyver is a national gem, and I for one like it that way.

(Bonus points to anyone that can tell me Mac's actual first name. Without going to IMDB!)

Availability:

Netflix - Yes, disc only including the two TV movies Apparently the entire series is on instant now minus the movies which are still disc only.


Hulu - Seasons 6 & 7 only


Amazon - Yes, clickable pics below

#3 Forever Knight (1989 / 1992 - 1996)

A quick note on the dates on the titles of this post, there was an amusingly bad TV movie by the same name that aired in '89, it's a sort of prequelly standalone thingy, the pilot for the show basically goes over the same events. However, the actual show first aired in '92 through to '96 hence the weird dates.

Season 1 cast

Anyway I digress, this show is one of the very few that I own but can barely stand to watch even a single episode of. It has not aged well. Unlike the immortal vampires it stars nothing about this show has survived age well at all. Ironically some of the more interesting story lines are in the series novelizations.

The basic premise is that Nicholas Knight (IIRC he sometimes goes by Nick Chevalier, Chevalier is French for knight) was a French Knight about 800 years ago, a crusader. He met a beautiful lady vampire - Jeanette - and her sire the conniving Lucien La Croix (French for 'The Cross' ha ha subtle guys) turned him. They lived happily for awhile and then Nick rediscovered his morality and decided to find a cure so he can become human again. He joins the Toronto P.D. with the assistance of Natalie Lambert a coroner that signs off on his medical tests etc. Meanwhile Jeanette and La Croix lurk on the sidelines waiting for him to come to his senses.

Season 2 cast

The premise isn't bad and the acting in general is decent barring a few unpleasant occasions. The problem is that the show was so hip and awesome for its time that it only works in its time. Further some of the lines are just...ugh. Another weakness was the nearly complete re-shuffle of main characters every season. The only real regulars are Nick and Natalie, even Nick's partner changes in the third season. Basically, take the supreme awkwardness that was early 90s fashions and turn it into a vampire show and you've got Forever Knight. Great on paper, probably worthy of a reboot (though for my money Moonlight was the best modern follow up to this show) but super hard to watch nowadays.

The third season has some interesting plot twists and shifts the main focus a little bit to feature more of Nick's new partner and her relationship with another vampire named Vashon. She never realizes Nick's true nature which is annoying and weird considering she's boning a vamp and ought to recognize the signs. The third season also has an interesting arc about an AIDs cure that poisons vampires part of the arc introduces a lower class of vampire that feeds on rodents and such. 

Season 3 cast

I'm not sure how/why it was canceled. I remember watching it on, I think, USA and after an ep one evening instead of the voice over saying, stay tuned for scenes from next week's episode, it said, stay tuned for scenes from the series finale. And bam it was over a week later. I suspect ratings were dropping and old Nick was actually kinda showing his age (pretty awkward for an immortal vamp in a show all of three years running).  All in all if you catch it on TV late one night you'll probably get a kick out of it but it's more suited to an MST3K style mock fest with friends than serious viewing, which is kinda sad in a nostalgic sorta way.

 Availability:

Netflix - Disc only, billed as three parts of a 'trilogy' the original TV movie is also available.

Hulu - First two seasons only

Amazon -  Yes, clickable pics below

#2 Highlander (1992 - 1998)

I sorta had/have an obsession with this show. First off, yes I am fully aware that it's a reeking mass of slowly melting cheese. It plays very fast and loose with historical accuracy, blah blah blah. I know, I do really, but...I still love this freakin' show. I can't help it. I know that it's ri-goddamned-diculous and I don't care.

Slan the Cat, probably one of the top five idiotic villains

Unlike the original movies that purport to follow (badly) the life and times of Connor Macleod of the Clan Macleod the show follows those of his cousin (and leaves it to the follow up movies to fuck up all resemblance to canon, I could do an entire post on the asinine so-called canon of Highlander alone). The pilot nicely introduces the main characters to the viewer and Connor - in a nice segue for the movie fans - Duncan, his kinsman and fellow immortal played by Adrian Paul, Tessa Noel Duncan's long time live-in girlfriend, and Richie Ryan a street waif.

Richie breaks into Duncan's antique shop while he and Tessa are gettin' down to brass tacks so to speak. At the same time another immortal played by that one dude from night court named Slan the Cat breaks in. Duncan mistakenly thinks Richie is the invading immortal 'cause he's gone all tingly and sees Richie before Slan. Richie bolts but sticks around to see some of the fisticuffs until the cops scare Slan away. Intrigued and smelling a quick exhtorted buck Richie hangs around and watches Connor try to kick Slan's butt and end up in the bay.

...blah. Whatever, the pilot is arduous but in the end Duncan triumphs, Tessa is pissed that hostile immortals are showing up (evidently the two enjoyed a decade of not being fucked with prior to this which is ridiculous and impossible to believe) and Connor tells Duncan to keep an eye on Richie so Duncan kind of adopts/employs the little waif.

Cue further adventures. Seriously the set ups are like clockwork, annoying immortal shows up, explanatory/expository flashbacks occur depicting a situation that closely parallels the episode's B story. Duncan then wacks the baddie of the week while teaching Richie or himself an important lesson about being immortal and life in general. It's like a super bloody after school special, complete with orgiastic groaning and lightning effects.

There are some interesting departures from the clockwork though, namely the introduction of the Watchers a super secretive bunch of jumped up historians that stalk immortals for kicks and the character of Methos. The genesis of Methos is interesting, they originally had the character of Darius - a super ancient monk immortal that lived on holy ground to avoid the game - but tragically the actor passed away suddenly leaving them with a gap in the arc. So they plugged it with Methos, the first immortal (it's later revealed that he spent his angry teen years so to speak running around killing people and calling himself Death. Yes, that death.) Methos has many of the more interesting arcs and side stories, he's also clearly my favorite character and pretty much the only reason I still enjoy the show in spite of it's poorly aged vintage.

Sweet sword dude, not as sweet as that jacket...

Seasons 1-3 are awkward to watch, 3 is the best of the lot as the super stylish vibe fades away and the fashions etc finally get away from the eyesores of the early 90s. A lot of these early episodes focus on the relationship between Duncan and Richie and their whole schtick which is nice to watch. However the way Richie leaves the show and the comeuppance the 'villain' receives are best left unsaid. Suffice to say the producers envisioned a much different opening to the following season than what they ended up with, budgets being what they were derailed their initial plans IIRC.  I would strongly encourage any Stan Kirsch fans to check out the film Shallow Ground . It's a quite interesting horror/thriller in its own right and Kirsch gets to play a pretty interesting and somewhat nefarious character.

Famine, Pestilence, War & Death

The show was pretty decent in seasons 4 and 5 but seasons 6 is just a string of back door pilots for a spin off starring a female immortal. Which is annoying as in the end they chose the incredibly irritating, shallow, and morally questionable character of Amanda to star in the spin off. Honestly choosing that character might actually have worked if they brought Methos with her, they had a weird brother/sister buddy cop movie vibe going on in some episodes, buuuut they didn't. And the less said about 'The Raven' the better.

The show was canceled in '96, probably justly so ratings were waning and while Adrian Paul did an excellent job of keeping in shape he was showing just the tiniest bit of age. All in all it's a great guilty pleasure and the two part horsemen arc is still pretty awesome in spite of the awful wigs and such they inflicted on the cast for the flashbacks.

Note: There is a short follow up 'episode' like 20 some minutes called Reunion or some such available from  Davis Panzer's website. It's a pseudo-reunion between Methos and Amanda, I don't recall if Joe is in it and a friend has evidently perma-borrowed my copy. I do recall that while there is  an off screen fight between immortals there's no quickening and hilariously when the victor returns they're covered in loads of gore compared to any of the films or the shows. Many lulz. 

Availabiltiy:

Netflix - Yes, all seasons are available on instant, a few are only available on instant

Hulu - Yes 

Amazon - Yes, clickable link below